Saturday, April 5, 2008

Had to Share


This is an actual letter from an Austin woman sent to American
company -- Proctor and Gamble regarding their feminine products. She
really gets rolling after the first paragraph. It's PC Magazine's
2007 editors' choice for best webmail-award-winning letter.

Dear Mr. Thatcher,
I have been a loyal user of your 'Always' maxi pads for over 20
years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the
LeakGuard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go
horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd
certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white
shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings.
Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is
that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure
I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? I'm guessing you haven't.
Well, my time of the month is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel
hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call 'an inbred
hillbilly with knife skills.' Isn't the human body amazing?

As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you've no doubt
seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your
customer's monthly visits from 'Aunt Flo'. Therefore, you must know
about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about
our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior.
You surely realize it's a tough time for most women.

The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is
just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants... Which brings
me to the reason for my letter. Last month, while in the throes of
cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out
my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on
the adhesive backing, were these words: 'Have a Happy Period.'

Are you f------ kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your
tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling,
laughing happiness, is possible during a menstrual period? Did
anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did
it, James? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak, there
will never be anything 'happy' about a day in which you have to
jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your
house just so you don't march down to the local
Walgreen's armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in
a blaze of glory. For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If
you have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more
sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like 'Put down the Hammer'
or 'Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong',

Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective
immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for
one minute miss your brand of condescending bullshit. And that's a promise I will keep.


Wendi Aarons
Austin , TX